I'm jealous of your bromance
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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