Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
