I swear god or herbie drove my car home
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
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