ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Randomize
