She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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