So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
it glows. i had to have it.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize