Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
