why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
