i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
