the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
