dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize