What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
