y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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