i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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