It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
