i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
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