My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Randomize
