so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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