My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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