He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
