Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
