Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
we're so committed to being not committed
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
