Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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