I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize