so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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