Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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