Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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