I puked a lego.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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