I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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