ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
