I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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