i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
