we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
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