We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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