after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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