I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Randomize
