I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
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