I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
