I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
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