I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
