So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
