Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
So much rum. So many feels.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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