i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
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