you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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