Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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