The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
