Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
