Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
