The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
