It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
