I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
