GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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