im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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