if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
i think my cat just said my name.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
