I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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