I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Randomize
