I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
