dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
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