seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
