oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Never joke about your clitoris.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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