Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
