I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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