I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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