only you would photoshop your dick
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
