Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Randomize
