i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
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