The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Randomize
