my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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