some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
