Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
