Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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