I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Randomize
