i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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