how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Randomize
